We have been through a record-breaking winter in Connecticut. Snow falls and falls and has rarely stopped. Locals tell us they've never seen a winter like it before, and I believe them as I see news reports of roof rakes selling out before a shipment even arrives and images of collapsed roofs play on the television screen nightly. Connecticut building codes were not made for this amount of snow.
It has been a harsh and difficult winter. And yet...it has been the most beautiful winter I have ever seen here as well. Our snow usually melts for long periods between storms. So most of the winter is brown and dead until another storm comes in and coats the earth in a sheet of sparkling snow. It is magical, but then it melts and we're back to the bare ugliness of winter. This winter there has been no brown, dead earth exposed. There is always a glittering sheet of white. It has been scary at times, but always stunning. I have found myself driving through my wooded streets, with my mouth wide open at the beauty of this unrelenting winter.
In all of life, I think symbolically and philosophically, and this winter has reminded me of my own life. I ran across the Gibron quote above and it fit with my thoughts of this winter and of my own struggles. We must go through harshness, pain, and difficulty to get to the stunning beauty of understanding.
I have seen this over and over in my life. Pain and sometimes unbearable heartache has given me an understanding that I wouldn't trade for anything. Yet with all that I've been through and all of the wisdom that has come from everything, I still struggle to get through each new hurdle. I easily become overwhelmed and my first response to any major difficulty is initially a feeling of I give up! I'm am too weak to endure anymore and I can't overcome another obstacle. Sometimes I am so emotionally overwhelmed that I shut down and have to push my obstacle to the side for a time. Sometimes I engage in numbing activities, just so I don't have to think about it. I wish I could say that I'm always courageous and strong when faced with such things, but I am weak still. Even when I know what direction I need to go and what must be done, I still sometimes must push the problem from my mind for awhile as I psychologically try to survive so that I can be a present mom to my four kids and get the necessities of life accomplished. It is a hard thing to admit, especially since I know from hard-earned experience that I have gained amazing depths of understanding and growth from enduring and dealing with incredibly painful experiences.
And so this is where I am. I am at a crossroads. I have known that I must make my abuser legally responsible for the deep-seeded damage he has done to my mind and to my spirit. Criminally or civilly, he needs to be held accountable, and since he's never come forward to take responsibility on his own, the issue must be forced by me. I have avoided thinking about it too much over the holidays. I've understandably pushed the issue aside to enjoy the holidays with my family, but I know I have also just been avoiding the problem. Now is the time and I must make myself strong to endure and come out the other side with a richness to my life that was never before known.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran
Just gather your strength and push forward. That little girl finally has an advocate. And you can do this. No matter what, you have made your voice heard and are no longer a silent victim. You're amazing!~
ReplyDeleteOh boy...so hard...wish I could give you a hug and sit back with a hot cup of tea over a longgg talk! I feel only supportive of how you feel and what you may do. You know I took the lesser road and for me it was a good choice because I let it go and felt great peace over it. I can do that though because he is now passed away so it is all over too.
ReplyDeleteYou have it still to deal with. I know you have it hanging like a cloud...and you are so right when you say it makes you feel philosophical about life and enjoying the good in the everyday!
Just know that you have a soul sister out here who cares....D
Heather - Thank you for always being so supportive!
ReplyDeleteDonna - Yeah, it is hard to decide to pursue things or not. It took me years to finally get to a decision, and I totally get someone else going another way than me. It's a tough thing to go through and sometimes not healthy. In my case, my abuser has suffered no consequences. He suffered no consequences from my family, his family, our church, or the state of California. I am the one who has had to suffer the outcome of his sin and crime. I am the one who had to give up my family, have emotional and psychological issues become part of my life. He needs to be responsible for his actions, and he needs to be exposed since no one cares to keep him away from their kids. I know you totally get it. It's always a tough call and only those of us who've been through it totally understand. Thanks for always being there!
Hang in there Aly! I know it's emotionally draining...off-putting to even think about it. So be gentle with yourself and know that as you do what you need to do, you will be given the strength necessary. If you weren't willing to do this, someone else might have to someday, but what a wake of damage in the meantime! You're a strong woman and it's so wonderful that you're unselfish enough to use your strength to see this through. Proud of you! ♥
ReplyDeleteI love your quote--it is beautiful. Go forward--remember that healing is painful--
ReplyDeleteGod give us some powerful metaphors in the natural world, doesn't He? He also, thankfully, gives us time...to become the person He knows we can be. Please be patient with yourself and your journey. I have every confidence that you will take it at the best pace.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you are doing. I am both glad hear that you are still there and still gathering the strength to do what needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to see that you're back and still going forward at a pace that keeps you sane. I wish you nothing but the best in achieving your goal of seeing that your abuser faces just and due consequences for his despicable actions. And I realize that this comment is just a fine mist of a drop in the bucket of those who support you, but it is sincere and sent with love. You go, girl.
ReplyDeleteHave you been keeping up with the 5 Browns of piano playing fame? Their dad has been sentenced for sexually abusing his daughters. You are not alone in thinking that justice has not been served in your case.
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ReplyDeleteI miss your pictures and your writings. So, hang in there and just remember that you have a camera, it is a good companion for difficult moments of life. A picture is worth a thousand words.
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