Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Absence

I hope that my absence from this blog has not made any of my supporters think I have given up my pursuit and I hope it has not made any of my detractors believe that it's over and they can rest easy. That is not the case. I am as determined as ever to pursue legal measures and to spread the truth of what happens in our ecclesiastical, legal, and family systems when sexual abuse is exposed.

My absence from this blog has merely been because of my indulgence of the holiday season, and for us the holiday season begins in September. We do a lot of fall/Halloween related trips around New England and New York. It is a busy time of year for us! Then, of course, we have Thanksgiving, and very quickly Christmas and the endless activity surrounding that have overtaken our lives. I have felt I should give myself a break from thinking and writing about this topic during this time of year, but I look forward to coming back with vigor come January.

In the meantime, here is the latest quote that has encouraged and motivated me, "Always do what you are afraid to do." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The things I face, in my circumstances, are constantly creating fear in me. I fear my family, my abuser, the overwhelming bigness of the legal system, and I fear what others in my church may think of me. There is always a sense of fear when I face these things. Recently, I went into the police department to report my abuse. All the way there, I was shaking. Felt as if I might vomit, but I knew I could not let fear stop me. It would have been easy to turn the car around and go back home. Somehow, I made it through the drive. I told the little girl inside of me that no one else took care of her, no one else protected her, and stood up for her, so I would. I was standing up for the little 9 year old girl I once was, who was taken by a grown man and made to do things and witness things that crushed her spirit and traumatized her mind and body. Someone had to, and so it must be me. Fear be damned.

I believe the depth of my fear made accomplishing that step all the more sweet. When it was over, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and I had never felt more proud of myself. I have much more to do, but overcoming fear, in that moment, made me realize how strong I can be.

I know that I am not done with this journey, and though my abuser has made others believe he is repentent, he has never made an apology to me, nor has he tried to make restitution, which is part of the steps of repentence as outlined by the LDS church. The damage he may still be inflicting on others concerns me and so my pursuit continues.

I wish you all the very best this holiday season! I appreciate all the support and love I have received through this and I am grateful for all of you. May you all overcome those things you fear in life and know that you are stronger than you think.


  1. Glad to hear from you--and that your absence is for a happy reason.

    Way to fight your fear and be there for the 9-yr-old who had no one.

  2. You should change the name on your stocking from "Alyson" to "Chutzpah". Seriously. I'm glad to know you haven't given up because I was beginning to wonder, and I'm grateful to witness that even under dire circumstances you can grow up and become a hero in your own life. Your 9-year-old self says "thank you".

  3. Fear is a hard thing to is heartache. Blessings on your know a little piece of my heart is there with you!

  4. This was a heartening post to read. Especially as realizing you are the champion now of the little girl inside.

    You are where you should be - with your family creating beautiful memories!!!

  5. I totally understand taking a break. The journey to not only healing, but justice, is long and take it on your own terms, girl!

    And I totally LOVE your Emerson quote! I think that is a fantastic goal for anyone, but me especially. I have the quote below taped to my wall as a reminder, but it hasn't done much more than inspire me when I read it, because it resonates true. But Emerson's! Emerson's gives one an Action Plan! Thank you! ♥

    Our Deepest Fear — by Marianne Williamson

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

    It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

    We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

    Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

    There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

    We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

    It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

    As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  6. I am moved by your strength! I am so impressed.

    I can't wait to read as you gain confidence as a result of your many successes in this horrifiv journey. Many people will be blessed by your efforts to right this wrong... not the least of those is YOU.

    Blue~ I love "Our Deepest Fear". It is perfect for this, and every difficult trial we face in life.

  7. I am so proud of you for sticking up for that little girl you once were! FInally, someone has come to her rescue. It's you! And I know you wont let her down!

  8. Kudos to you my friend. And taking care of yourself is a huge part of the process. Even taking time away from the blog to spend it with your family and doing things you enjoy is taking care of YOU! YOU who is the most important. I watched a show tonight on fear of doing what you are the most afraid of doing and stepping forward. It takes a lot of courage and a LOT of self talk. Thanks for showing us that it is possible. -Jen (aka Tink)

  9. Enjoy the holiday season, and keep sticking up for the little girl you once were! When ever my three year old gets hurt, she says through tears, "I just want to be happy." meaning she wants the hurt to go away. I understand that, but it takes a lot of courage and perseverance for some hurts to go away. You are on the right path and remember the power is within you!

  10. YOU GO, GIRL! Way to overcome your fears and take care of that little girl! Gives me chicken skin.


  11. Congratulations on doing that. You are very brave. I was thinking about forgiveness and repentance today. You deserve the most sincere apology possible, and I believe he won't be fully forgiven or repentant until that happens.
    I miss you and I look forward to reading more when you write!

  12. Well...we are at the end of January. Leave us a trail of some New England Living.