My Absence

I hope that my absence from this blog has not made any of my supporters think I have given up my pursuit and I hope it has not made any of my detractors believe that it's over and they can rest easy. That is not the case. I am as determined as ever to pursue legal measures and to spread the truth of what happens in our ecclesiastical, legal, and family systems when sexual abuse is exposed.

My absence from this blog has merely been because of my indulgence of the holiday season, and for us the holiday season begins in September. We do a lot of fall/Halloween related trips around New England and New York. It is a busy time of year for us! Then, of course, we have Thanksgiving, and very quickly Christmas and the endless activity surrounding that have overtaken our lives. I have felt I should give myself a break from thinking and writing about this topic during this time of year, but I look forward to coming back with vigor come January.

In the meantime, here is the latest quote that has encouraged and motivated me, "Always do what you are afraid to do." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The things I face, in my circumstances, are constantly creating fear in me. I fear my family, my abuser, the overwhelming bigness of the legal system, and I fear what others in my church may think of me. There is always a sense of fear when I face these things. Recently, I went into the police department to report my abuse. All the way there, I was shaking. Felt as if I might vomit, but I knew I could not let fear stop me. It would have been easy to turn the car around and go back home. Somehow, I made it through the drive. I told the little girl inside of me that no one else took care of her, no one else protected her, and stood up for her, so I would. I was standing up for the little 9 year old girl I once was, who was taken by a grown man and made to do things and witness things that crushed her spirit and traumatized her mind and body. Someone had to, and so it must be me. Fear be damned.

I believe the depth of my fear made accomplishing that step all the more sweet. When it was over, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and I had never felt more proud of myself. I have much more to do, but overcoming fear, in that moment, made me realize how strong I can be.

I know that I am not done with this journey, and though my abuser has made others believe he is repentent, he has never made an apology to me, nor has he tried to make restitution, which is part of the steps of repentence as outlined by the LDS church. The damage he may still be inflicting on others concerns me and so my pursuit continues.

I wish you all the very best this holiday season! I appreciate all the support and love I have received through this and I am grateful for all of you. May you all overcome those things you fear in life and know that you are stronger than you think.